Matthew Schnurr Wins Griffin Poetry Prize for Groundbreaking Piece Entitled “Things I Don’t Want”

The sneer of a master poet.

GLENCOE, ON – It has been reported that local boy Matthew Schnurr has been awarded the international
Griffin Poetry Prize for his remarkable work “Things I Don’t Want”. To those who know Matt well and are familiar with his writing talent, this comes as no surprise. Amazingly, this poem was written nearly 9 years ago in Matt’s OAC English class.

“I simply cannot believe how we could have overlooked such a magnificent piece of work for so many years,” explains Scott Griffin, founder of the Griffin Trust. “I would rather not think about it and just thank god that it has now been found to be shared with the world.”

Here at Keeping-It-Real.com, we have obtained the exclusive rights to publish this stunning work. However, we would like to warn our readers that after reading this, it is unlikely you will be able to enjoy another poem ever again. It is just that powerful.

Things I Don’t Want
By Matthew Schnurr

Who wants scabies?
Who wants rabies?
Who wants babies?

Not me.

And there you have it. With only a few words, a lifetime of knowledge has been expressed regarding wants, desires, life’s disappointments, and of course the loathing of infants.

Margaret Collins, literary scholar and trustee with Griffin, had this to say about the piece: “The beauty of this work is that while volumes have been expressed by these words, there are still unanswered questions. Like, have you had first hand experience with any of these terrible things? Perhaps even some vile combination, like a baby with rabies?”

Just a few of the things that Matt Schnurr does not want.

“Also, it is interesting to note that he appears to listing relative best to worst. Matthew admits that he considers a newborn child to be worse than contracting rabies, which involves paralysis, extreme cerebral dysfunction, hallucinations and delirium. It’s brutally honest, and extremely powerful.”

When Matt Schnurr was asked about how he became the writer he is today, he remained humble as always: “I believe it all started when I was taught by Mr. “Big A” Andrews, who inspired me daily with his stories of vandalizing lawns and clotheslining muggers. I owe it all to him.”

Experts Stunned at Low Quarterly Profits for Arnold’s Pizza Shop

Reference:

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Investors and business insiders alike were shocked at the very disappointing quarterly profits of Arnold’s Pizza Shop.  The shop, owned and operated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, created quite a stir when it opened just a few months ago and promised a very unique pizzeria experience. Unfortunately, so far, this has not translated into a large amount of earnings for the company.“I don’t think anyone could have expected this,” reported business analyst Dan Masen. “I suppose there is a chance that some customers might have had an issue with some of the business practices that were in place.”

Masen continued: “Many of the pizza chains now have guarantees to deliver in 30 minutes or it is free. Arnold said he would deliver it ‘sometime in the next few days’. That might not be soon enough for some. In addition, it is well known that Arnold was often away from the shop killing pepperonis when his time might have been better spent personally looking after the affairs of the business.”

Business investor Bruce Thompson had his take on things as well. “I told Arnold that he had to be more open-minded about the toppings that would be allowed. Some customers might take objection to only being allowed to have pepperoni and 9 millimeter bullets on their pizza.”

Bruce also had issues with some of the customer service policies in place at Arnold’s. “He doesn’t seem to care if the customer decides against 9 millimeter bullets, they will receive it anyway. In his view, anyone who doesn’t like his toppings is an idiot and deserves to die. Also, if any customer gives him any grief, he has a habit of punching a pepperoni through their head. I think these policies could be changed slightly for a better consumer experience.”

Arnold delivering a casket full of piping hot pepperoni and bullet pizzas.

In addition to these minor policy issues, insiders believe there were information security concerns as well. It is reported that customers calling the shop had to provide their name, telephone number, serial number, how tall they are, and whether they are susceptible to any diseases. Also, there are reports of Arnold asking personal questions regarding the customer’s daddy and what he does for a living.In the midst of these business affairs, there is an ongoing criminal investigation that has been developing over the last week. Four men have gone missing, and the common thing among them is that they recently ordered a Hawaiian pizza from Arnold’s Pizza Shop.

When Arnold himself was asked for a comment, he had only this to say: “I HOPE YOU LEAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST BECAUSE I’M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!”

It has returned!

After a long hiatus, Keeping-It-Real.com is back to provide you with the most accurate, groundbreaking journalism on the web. If this site becomes even half as great as the original, I will consider it a success. Anyway, enough reminiscing. On to the stories!

– Ian “The Real Deal” McColl
The Director of Keeping It Real (.com)