Experts Stunned at Low Quarterly Profits for Arnold’s Pizza Shop

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HOLLYWOOD, CA — Investors and business insiders alike were shocked at the very disappointing quarterly profits of Arnold’s Pizza Shop.  The shop, owned and operated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, created quite a stir when it opened just a few months ago and promised a very unique pizzeria experience. Unfortunately, so far, this has not translated into a large amount of earnings for the company.“I don’t think anyone could have expected this,” reported business analyst Dan Masen. “I suppose there is a chance that some customers might have had an issue with some of the business practices that were in place.”

Masen continued: “Many of the pizza chains now have guarantees to deliver in 30 minutes or it is free. Arnold said he would deliver it ‘sometime in the next few days’. That might not be soon enough for some. In addition, it is well known that Arnold was often away from the shop killing pepperonis when his time might have been better spent personally looking after the affairs of the business.”

Business investor Bruce Thompson had his take on things as well. “I told Arnold that he had to be more open-minded about the toppings that would be allowed. Some customers might take objection to only being allowed to have pepperoni and 9 millimeter bullets on their pizza.”

Bruce also had issues with some of the customer service policies in place at Arnold’s. “He doesn’t seem to care if the customer decides against 9 millimeter bullets, they will receive it anyway. In his view, anyone who doesn’t like his toppings is an idiot and deserves to die. Also, if any customer gives him any grief, he has a habit of punching a pepperoni through their head. I think these policies could be changed slightly for a better consumer experience.”

Arnold delivering a casket full of piping hot pepperoni and bullet pizzas.

In addition to these minor policy issues, insiders believe there were information security concerns as well. It is reported that customers calling the shop had to provide their name, telephone number, serial number, how tall they are, and whether they are susceptible to any diseases. Also, there are reports of Arnold asking personal questions regarding the customer’s daddy and what he does for a living.In the midst of these business affairs, there is an ongoing criminal investigation that has been developing over the last week. Four men have gone missing, and the common thing among them is that they recently ordered a Hawaiian pizza from Arnold’s Pizza Shop.

When Arnold himself was asked for a comment, he had only this to say: “I HOPE YOU LEAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST BECAUSE I’M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!”